kidglov3s

Heaven Help Us - Beverly Bremers (Manchester-Sager)

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 03:45:16 GMT

With Fall approaching my heart returns to one of my favorite Autumn films, George A. Romero's The Crazies, aka Code Name Trixie. My favorite part of the movie is the swoony pessimistic Vietnam-war-protest folk song that plays over the closing credits while the quarantine officer is airlifted from the chaos in Evans City caused by the accidental release of a biological weapon by the US government to be flown over to another town where symptoms of exposure have been reported. I've scoured the internet to find the lyrics for this song, or a full version of it, and my labors have been for naught. Thus I have taken it upon myself to transcribe the lyrics from the portion of the song that plays over the end credits. Track info courtesy of IMDB.

"Heaven Help Us"
Composed by Carole Bayer Sager and Melissa Manchester
Sung by Beverly Bremers
Courtesy of Sceptor Records

Heaven help us,
Firelight, won't you let me be?
I feel so helpless,
How can I find the morning?

Daytime heroes,
Saving your piece of sunshine sky,
A safer place where I,
Can get up and find the morning.

If time is a healer,
Then why are we wounded,
And why are those people dying?

And I get so weary,
In ruins of sadness,
I can't even hear people crying,
But I know they do.

Marching soldier,
Fighting behind a losing cause,
A better war is yours,
If you can find...
The morning.

Heaven help us, heaven help us.

Apologies

Sun, 17 May 2009 17:55:49 GMT

I wish to apologize to those three very nice people who contributed small sums of money to me during my two day tenure canvassing for the environment through ffpir. I quit after two days following the realization that I had no heart for the intrusive and manipulative tactics I felt the job called for, and I'm sorry to have harmed anyone by accepting contributions under false pretenses (that contributions would go toward the group that contracted pirg and not to the pirg office itself to support the salaries of canvassers such as myself) in coming to that realization. I've learned my lesson, and resolve to commit myself to pursue activism solely on a volunteer basis in the future.

The Robert Englund Theory

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 02:57:20 GMT

Robert Englund has declined to appear in a planned remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.

This changes nothing, The Robert Englund theory still stands.

The Robert Englund theory states that what all actors fear most, what is always haunting them in the back of their minds, is that at any point their careers might be derailed if Robert Englund decides that he wants to compete with them for a role. Robert Englund is still the greatest actor of all time, and because he wants no part in a bullshit likely vaporware remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street does nothing to change that. Actors know, Englund's still out there.

Hmm.... been a while...

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 06:10:51 GMT

It's been a long time since I've written in here, the result of no internet, 5 classes, bone grafts, going full time and working 30 hours a week. Lots and lots has happened though. Everything is so much better after my social transition. I look better than I ever imagined I would, I'm not getting harassed and abused, I didn't get fired from my job, and I didn't feel silenced in my classes. Of course, as I haven't had time to do much of anything, I've got no major movie topics to cover. I worked on some films last semester, which really is just a draining experience, especially incorporated into all the other shit I had going on. Guess I can append this entry later when I've better recovered from finals and have gathered some ideas to express, just checking in from the other side.

The Gendercator: A Brief Analysis

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 03:53:06 GMT

After much hype and controversy I unexpectedly stumbled onto an impromptu screening of Catherine Crouch's The Gendercator tonight. The film's a disjointed, shitty mess. I was honestly more affronted as a student of film than as a transgender woman. The threadbare narrative was very unfocused. If she truly wanted to get her message of trans-invalidity to a viewer unfamiliar with the history of the politics at work she needed to flesh out her presented concepts significantly. Hate film doesn't have to be horrible film. Film study has taught me that the most unredeemable ideology can be attributed to great cinema, like Griffifth's Birth of a Nation, Riefenstahl's Triumph of the Will and Jacopetti/Prosperi's Africa Addio.

It seems almost pointless to attack the film's politics when the work is so ridiculous that it cannot support the weight of any argument. The plot is woefully undeveloped; she doesn't explain how binary-identified transsexual individuals came to be powerful and respected pillars of future society, just states so much as fact. Stereotypes abound, the simplistic and fascistic gender concepts projected onto the "trannies" seem to be rooted in the most conservative and restrictive gender theories of the past century.

The argument can be made that she is simply referencing a long-standing ideology implicitly understood by her intended audience, and that more thorough explorations are not necessary. That may very well be the case, as its essentially an experimental film that will probably not be seen outside of queer fringe circles. However, it is presented as a standalone work and therefore its ideas must be self-sustaining and well supported within the film. The superficial approach taken severely undercuts any true political ambition therein. It is a testament to our community's marginalization that such a stunted and meager work can be threatening.

I'm surprised that I've yet to read a criticism of the film from an analytical perspective. Perhaps others consider the tools of cinematic analysis to be steeped in patriarchal notions, and decided that such an approach is inapplicable to a 'radical' work such as this (though that's certainly not prevented the analysis of any film to my knowledge). The focus has largely been on the film's message, with no major attention given to the manner in which that message is relayed. It's fucked up to show this film under an inclusive LGBT banner, but as a political tool its far too reliant on a certain assumed bigotry to be very harmful. The weakness of her ideology, and the contrived and compromised formal application of such, leaves the work a toothless, hateful mess of a film.

Trans/Horror?

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 15:44:53 GMT

Switch Killer (aka Trans-American Killer):

The 80s slasher meets transgender again, except it's been displaced by 20 years. Of course, that's not to say it has a modern, realistic, or sympathetic view of trans people. An abusive boyfriend's furious when his girlfriend leaves him for a woman. And so he... transitions? Pretty much wholly problematic in every sense of the word; it is thoroughly and horribly offensive and shitty to women, sex workers, and transgender people.

The killer does not seem to transition for any personal or internal reasons, yet I get the impression that she reflects the filmmaker's perceptions of trans women (and their understanding of the audience's perceptions). Her body is shown as a monstrous mutation; completed by scarred, misshapen, lopsided and obviously 'false' breasts. Her genital status is inconsistent; in one scene she has sex with a guy for "the first time like this" (presumably post SRS) and in the following scene is shown to pee standing up. Maybe that's an attempt to shit on intersex folk too.

The film goes out of its way to depict trans femininity as false and trans identities as incoherent. It's not just trans women, though. It is openly spiteful towards all women on-screen, especially the sex workers and lesbians that populate most of its cast. The protagonist is shown to discover that she's not really a lesbian; that her deviated sexuality was simply a twisted up misunderstanding, such as the killer's (presumed) trans gender. Her girlfriend is shown to be a heartless and thoughtless bitch, and is seemingly depicted as an 'everylesbian'.

What's surprising to me is that while I hated it as a human being and especially as a transsexual woman, I didn't hate it so much as a horror fan. It was well paced and had frequent enough shock scenes. Anyone could tell that it was made on the cheap with the most limited resources, yet it still worked overall (and the faux Casablanca that is shown through out is probably the highlight of the film). All of that said, though, it is sad that we're still culturally marginalized enough that these filmmakers would depict a trans woman in such a manner.

I find myself constantly in a state of flux as far as vicarious identification is concerned... as a horror fan and as a transsexual woman. I guess the emotional part of it didn't carry as much weight before. I liked horror movies because they were often highly stylized, had a 'ride' aspect to them, could carry social/political subtexts, had cool scores and were just fun to watch. Horror films also seem to be the best marketed, and have the most iconic posters/art/characters/trailers of any genre There is perhaps a certain nostalgia involved as well, as I tend to gravitate toward horror from the 60s-80s.

Now it seems I'm trying to engage more with the story rather than focusing entirely on the formal aspects of the works, and in many of these horror movies, especially slashers, there never seems to be all that much there. I'm kind of bewildered why the transgender women are always killers in slasher films, because it certainly doesn't seem to play out that way at all in reality. Maybe its because (as I've noted before) we're so easily 'other'ed. Perhaps the conventional wisdom is that an audience just can't identify with one of those trannies. Maybe the reality of queer victimhood would detract from the fantasy.

Perhaps it is even impossible to ask a mainstream horror audience to accept, let alone identify with, queer characters (other than as incomprehensible villains and monsters). This is not unique to horror either, but it seems more pronounced there. My perception of horror audiences, from seeing the films, listening to Deadpit, visiting forums, etc. is that they are very nervous with anything that might challenge standard assumptions regarding gender and sexuality. While I don't think that being trans will hurt me so much with eventually trying to find work in the film industry (at least I only expect my prospects to be moderately more dim than they would be if I hadn't transitioned), I do wonder how a horror audience would react to work done by a transsexual woman. I'd like to think that the quality of the work would supersede any personal aspects of the filmmaker, I can't help but feel that it would be a critical factor. Which sucks because I might come up with some kickass additions to horror some day.

Summer Movie Blogaganza Pt. 1

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 00:31:21 GMT

Like I didn't stop writing in this... figure I'll do my best to try to cover as many of the movies I've seen since, essentially, my jaw surgery as I can...

(in roughly the order I saw them)

Milo - Really generic horror movie. Kid in raincoat, weird voice, dead friends. I guess it was nice to see one of these that featured a group of grown adult women- not teenagers. But only really distinct in that regard. Not really frightening or suspenseful, really, but I've seen worse.

Sleepaway Camp 2/3 - These sequels would take a very different approach from the original (which I'd written about previously). Much more comedy/parody than horror, and it's a treat to see parodies of 80s slasher flicks that look/feel like 80s slasher flicks (ie not as cliched like Scream/Scary Movie). Angela's back and has affirmed her female/TS identity, and sees to it that campers who break the rules are punished. Her transness is only briefly mentioned in these films, it was kind of cool to see a transwoman character whose trans status was not the definition of her character on film, even if the definition of her character was insane child murdering psycho killer. I guess it's the tongue in cheek approach that makes me like these films yet be very uncomfortable with portrayals like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs.

Ginger Snaps - Damn, what a movie. Any praise I heap upon it would only echo the years of positive words hurled at it. A horror film that adopts a female perspective, is exceptionally well written acted, and reinvents a stale archetype of the genre... I really can't reccomend this film enough, even to those not typically fans of the genre.

The Peacekeeper: DTV tripe pairs Dolph Lundgren with Montel Williams to prevent some terrorists from launching some nukes. I'd say I was disappointed, but my expectations were pretty low- I guess I've picked up worse titles to make 3 for $10 at GameStop, but this one is especially useless. And I'm a fair-moderate fan of the Dolph. I guess I'd prefer to see him in a film where... interesting things happen around him.

Two Girls and a Guy: Natasha Gregson-Wagner's acting in this to me was so bad that she would've made Heather Graham's seem acceptable... if they weren't sharing the stage with Robert Downey Jr. Not a bad look at relationships/sexual intersections, but perhaps a tad too... exploitative for its own good (there's that feminism again I suppose (my feminism makes no defense for shitty acting by women though, see above)).

Beastmaster: Umm, why? Don Coscarelli could've made something a hell of a lot better than this after Phantasm. I tried to ignore the reviews because, fuck, I love Conan the Barbarian... I love Phantasm... put 'em together and? Boring. It does pick up in the second half, but its such a pointless exercise that even violent sword and sorcery excess doesn't do much to redeem it. Really, anyone interested should just watch Conan the Barbarian.

Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed: It ain't no Ginger Snaps. Not that it's trying to be. This really resonated with me at the time I watched it because I was undergoing hormone withdrawal and seemed to be going through a lot of what Brigitte experiences in the ward while deprived of the poison that keeps the beast at bay. On its own its a really strong film, unfortunately I watched it with expectations of it meeting the highs of the first film that were simply unrealistic.

Ginger Snaps Back: Honestly, I got no defense for this one. It seemed like a sloppy cash-in effort, that was contracted into existence. Perkins and Isabella try to make the best of it, but its such a well, fucked, premise that there's really no saving it. Wouldn't have been too bad if they had made it a prequel without Ginge and Beege in it at all- still have the 19th century Canadians dealing with the beast, but their presence is so puzzling and completely drew me out of the film. Should've taken the money and done a completely different film or something.

May: Angela Bettis as one hella fucked up Frankenstein. Surely striking a chord with all moody and introverted girls everywhere. A full-on identification is pretty tough though, as May's a little too off the deep end. Such a complex character makes for a great, if sometimes unpleasant, horror film (then again I suppose all horror films have a duty to be unpleasant on some level).

Silent Running: Another case of identification being thwarted by a protagonist who was just a little too fucked. Granted the situation is far more crazy than any of the guy's actions. The last plants evar!1 being destroyed for seemingly no reason. Every human minus one not giving a shit. I guess from the posters I expected there to be a lot more saving plants, like near disasters where plants almost got destroyed but were just barely rescued. The hour and a half or so of the guy hanging out with robots was certainly unexpected. I wish I could say the superior Douglas Trumbull film was something more than uneven, with great ideas and great visuals but a lackluster plot structure- essentially the same I can say for the lesser Trumbull film.

Gilmore Girls Seasons 3-6: A disastrous consequence of being young, early-in-transition, recovering from jaw surgery and being on too much hydrocondone. Umm... I enjoyed it enough at the time. At first it was kind of a fun, with the goofy town and the mother/daughter best friends thing. Then when it stopped being fun all I was really left with was the increasingly more desperate and inane story arcs that seemed to be the direct result of waning ratings and dying support. I guess I didn't really hate the show until Rory fell in with that rich guy. Then I kind of realized how dripping with class privilege all of the characters in the show- even the quaint, weird characters- weilded with seemingly no conscious awareness, and even the uber-rich were presented as just folks (a hallmark of all four seasons I watched, not just the last two). Unfortunately, the montonously breathless reference laden dialogue does not redeem the unrelentingly bourgeois perspective of the series for me. Maybe WB shows should be above ideological analysis, but fuck that noise.

Black Hawk Down: Not the Ridley Scott I know. Lost interest. Started out well. Was probably not in the best mood/mindset for it, as much as the drugs might've worked in favor of the Gilmore Girls they must've interfered somewhat with my ability to pay attention to this.

Little Children: Unsettling, post-Blue Velvet suburban nightmare piece. Really good writing/acting. Interesting examination of fear, hatred, love and lust among seemingly normal, well off white people. More people should see it. To write more would be to give too much away, though, this is just one to be seen fresh with few preconceptions.

Fur: Robert Downey Jr. again, this time as a fuckin wolfman! The kind of movie I'd have to make if it didn't exist. Bizarre, fucked up, but uneven. Slow starting, and it really never does go where I hoped it would. Downey has a hard time getting through beneath the make up, I have to imagine a non-Superhuman actor in the role would've sunk the film entirely.

The Station Agent: Peter Dinklage kickin' ass! Great, great, great stuff. Wonderful movie. The Dink's career trajectory's pretty fucked up for him being such a great actor, though. He's in this, sentimental yet honest human portrayal film, sure to win the heart of anyone who watches it... then he's in shitty dog movies like Lassie and Underdog. I'm looking forward to that funeral movie though, where he plays the corpse's secret lover. As much as he'll inevitably steal that movie, though, it'd be really great to see him in something like this again.

House of the Dead: Boll-shit. At least its all in good fun, thoug.

Heart of America: Boll-shit, but disgusting as its pompous self-important Boll-shit with a message... that involves shit-eating and raping the mentally disabled. How wonderful.

Edmond: Here's a movie everyone should see as my friend and I did: with no knowledge at all of what's going to happen and only that Stuart Gordon was the director and William H. Macy's the star. What a fucked up, unsettling, creepy ass ride.

Bad Boys II: Fun, loud action movie. Also a homophobic, sexist action movie. But there are explosions. And Comedy, Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are having enough fun that I could kind of overlook when it crossed the lines. Packed with ridiculous over the top set-pieces, it's paced very well and doesn't feel overlong at its somewhat exorbitant running time. Michael Bay seemed to really nail his aesthetic here, exhibiting a keen knowledge of his strengths and weaknesses as a (pseudo) filmmaker.

Bloodrayne: More Boll-shit. This one barely kept my attention. I guess Kristanna Loken was like a vampire or something, I don't know, nothing really made much sense.

The Wild Bunch: My introduction to Sam Peckinpah. Terribly violent western. Well-made film, if you're into the genre. Not really my bag, but I was able to overlook my disinterest in the genre (and the film's crazy sexism) to appreciate the filmmaking. If you're into hypermasculine macho posturing though, I'd highly recommend it.

Over the Top: Stallone! Arm wrestling! Not-Fred Savage! This movie rocked. I'm an unabashed fan of the Sly one, and this is right on par with Tango and Cash and Lock Up for being awesome and fucking ridiculous, perhaps maybe with too much emphasis on that latter point.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: I liked the first one enough, and this one was maybe a little bit not quite as good. It's decent enough, though. I had a hard time not laughing when Jessica Alba tried to act though. She's not a very good actress. Acting is not her strong suit.

Bad Boys (TBS): Alright, but not even close to the sublime ludicrosity of the sequel. That said, I should withhold judgment until I see an uncut version., though.

Daywatch: Wow. I was pretty indifferent toward Nightwatch, but this was amazing. Such a step up, in all aspects. Makes the first film almost dispensable- the pertinent information is satisfactorily covered in the prologue, and adds a sense of weight and importance, of events occurring in a narrative, that was sorely lacking in the first film. Being the 2nd film in a supposed trilogy, its even more surprising at how conclusive the end seems to be.

Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America: OMG Teh Bird Flu!1! Laughably overwrought TV scare movie, the end of the world in a few short months, because of some dickhead going to China. Worth it for the heavy handed attempts to incite hysteria, and the incredibly cheesy final shot of birds carrying a new mutated strain of the flu flying ominously towards Amurrica.

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives: Another Friday, and this one's pretty much on par with what worked in 3, maybe a little more focused. The formula's basically perfected here, and the entry's greatest strength is probably its confidence. I got the impression that the filmmakers kind of understood how ridiculous this Jason shit it is and decided to have just enough fun with it without actually making a joke of the thing (except for the awesome opening Bond parody). I guess I'd tie it with 3, ahead of 2 and 1.

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon: Cool, smart homage to the great 80s slashers. Unfortunately falls off a little bit when it becomes more of a straightforward slasher and less of a deconstruction, but a great time. Fans of the genre really should get out and rent this, as its the best we've gotten since Slither, which is just a damn shame.

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood: I finally got to see Lar-Park Lincoln battle Jason, and it didn't really live up to the hype. It was cool seeing a not sexless female (she certainly seemed to be interested in that guy even if they didn't get around to it) in a slasher who also knew how to take care of herself. Not as good as parts 3 and 6, maybe a little ahead of part 2, above part 1.

Live Free or Die Hard: Umm, not completely evil. Could've been worse. If you're just looking for Bruce Willis superhero fare, you'll be satisfied. Die Hard fans will probably be disappointed. Willis is in good shape though, and Justin Long's pretty good too. Too much violence against women, as well as sexist/racist jokes. Kevin Smith did his best to ruin the movie, but didn't quite succeed. I don't know, I'll never watch it again, that's for sure.

Hellboy: Blood and Iron: What's with these animated Hellboy films not really having all that much to do with Hellboy? Sword of Storms was all about ancient Japan and that fake myth, and now this one's all about vampires. I know HB can't get a break, but it'd be cool if he could have a more prominent role in movies bearing his name.

The Firm: Tom Cruise, stuff, lawyers, Gene Hackman, Wilford Brimley. I slept through about 1/3-1/2 of it. Can't believe this was a damn July 4th release. At least Wilford Brimley was in it.

The Woods: Better than average witch school movie, with a plot vaguely remuiniscent of Suspiria. I guess Lucky McKee is 3 for 3 with me, this one had me engaged all the way through, although the twists are a little predictable. The creepiness of the headmistresses and the school probably left the greatest impression on me. Bruce Campbell was unnecessary.

Strangers With Candy: Unremarkable Film-sized rehash of the TV show. I'd recommend it only to those who absolutely loved the show (who'll be bored to tears) and to audiences who completely missed it (who might find it slightly amusing). The premise was unpleasant and the comedy was hit-miss on the series, and it remains so in this film, although I found it less tolerable the 2nd time around (and they really needed to get the original dad, the new one was horrible).

Transformers: Started out OK, if misogynist and surprisingly racist, but ran off the rails with its incomprehensible finale. There needed to be some greater variation in the robot designs, not to mention some heavy cleanup in the narrative/pacing, especially in the 2nd act. Hopefully a sequel might be better, without having to establish so much exposition and with the freedom to introduce a lot more diverse crew of 'bots.

Seed of Chucky

Frantic

Pursued

The Deal

I... think that's all. Luckily it was a slow period- and I left out anything I had previously seen (most of my post-surgery viewing)... my pile of unwatched releases sits dauntingly at 50...

Movie Journal (late April/early May)

Sun, 06 May 2007 21:24:13 GMT

I'm late on this one, and probably forgetting more than a few, oh well...

Grindhouse: I liked it. Surprised by how entertaining Planet Terror was, though truth be told I probably preferred Death Proof. Fun time in the theater, even Eli Roth made good.

3 Extremes: Dumplings was the best part. Really creepy, and touched a lot of nerves. The second one was OK, not great, and I can barely remember Miike's. Not too bad for a modern horror anthology, though. I'd say I should check out the longer version of Dumplings, but I doubt I could stomach it.

The Cheerleaders: I waited how many years for this? Cute movie, almost charming today, though definitely very risque for its time. I wish I had just rented the damn thing though, can't believe I wasted so much thought on this damn movie. Since 8th grade!

Phantasm: Great movie that I didn't pay half the attention it deserves. I've seen it before but need to watch it again. There is so much to love between the Tall Man, the dwarves, the spheres, Reg, the other dimension, etc. that it's really not worth me reiterating what's been said on internets a million times before.

Phantasm 2: Decent sequel. I got to admit I found Legros kind of hot in this one, but not nearly as awesome as Reggie. Not great, the opening seems kind of prolonged and the stuff at the house seems kind of routine. Lots of cool moments, though. Good ending.

Phantasm 3: More-or-less on par with the 2nd one. Zombie Mike was a pretty cool idea, as was Jody-sphere. I gotta be honest and say I liked the chick and I liked the kid. I can see where some might see them as trying to pander to a broader audience but I felt the characters were well constructed and the movie needed something like them to keep it from being so much rehash.

Phantasm 4: Honestly don't remember this one all that well, except that it was really trippy. Kind of going back to the first one, I suppose. The integration of all the old material worked in some places but was a little grating in others. To me it honestly seems that, as awesome as Reggie is, with this one the Phantasm well's pretty much dried up. Coscarelli's free to prove me wrong, though.

Night of the Creeps: Alright. Tom Atkins was pretty badass in his scenes, but the movie as a whole didn't make a huge impression. I definitely enjoyed it, but feel that it didn't quite live up to the hype.

The Monster Squad: Better. I liked this quite a bit more than Night of the Creeps, happy as fuck to see Leonard Cimino back fighting evil some more, he was the best part of V. Lot of cool jokes/lines, wonder how much of the script was written by Shane Black anyway. Need to see it in widescreen, though.

The Marine: Great ridiculous opening, mundane bullshit thereafter. Rock Candy.

The Condemned: Better than The Marine, but not by much. They pretty much stole this directly from Battle Royale, which would've been fine if they hadn't also stolen a bunch of shit from that dumb Rollerball remake. Why the hell'd they do that? I enjoyed it for what it's worth, no No Holds Barred, though. There are some holds barred.

Perfect Strangers: Yay, Larry Cohen movie! Not his best, though it's a good watch. The rad fem bashing is a bit much, I was kind of surprised to see that used as a target. Of course the script was great as always, lots of intricate weavings between the characters.

Spiderman 3: I liked it, mostly because the filmmakers made such strange choices on such an important and expensive movie. The special effects/fight scenes were so amazing, actually scared me a little, in as much as the lengths to which films might be asked to go to meet them. It seems that they're largely being overlooked though, which is nice. The butler stuff is really inexcusable, but I liked the hell out of most everything else, reminded me of reading those damn terrible X-Men comics last year.

Inside Man: More great shit from Spike Lee. Yet to see a bad Spike Lee movie, and this must be some of his most accessible work. His personality is still there, but I was kind of wishing he had made it a little more provocative. Still a great heist movie, Clive Owen on his game again.

Friday the 13th Part 3: Another Friday movie. The formula's really falling into place here. Lots of kills, a somewhat more restrained 'gaze' (less of the camera just ogling the female leads). I liked it more than 1, 2, 8 and X, but I've still got to see a few more to declare it a favorite.

Nightwatch: A lot things in this movie didn't make sense, and it was not totally original in a lot of places, but it was pretty entertaining for the most part. Some interesting story twists at the end. Not enough sexy vampire action (female or male). I'll probably watch the sequel, but I won't go out of my way for it.

Hearts and Souls: Robert Downey Jr., Charles Grodin, and the Closer. It was okay, nothing I'll watch again. Seeing Downey act 'woman' (and later 'black woman') was a little telling, though, on stereotypes and such... maybe? I dunno.

Maid of Honor: Yeah. I'm a sucker. Lionsgate sells a Lifetime movie as a horror movie and I buy it. To be honest it probably wasn't even necessary. It had some melodramatic highs, but it moved a little too slowly, and none of the characters were quite developed enough to hold my attention away from hoping for the next outburst.

I think I'm going to make some kind of post about buying cheap shitty DVDs just because they're cheap in the future. See above.

Prelude

Tue, 01 May 2007 23:32:26 GMT

I've decided to reflect while Snakes and Arrows is transferring from CD to 'lossless' Atrac. Things seem to be going alright. I find myself kind of trepidatious around my housemates, wary and afraid to impose. I'm starting to wonder if they know I'm trans, and if not when/how I should tell them. The job is probably better than I expected. Half of it is the same shit I've been doing for almost two years, the other half is not more demanding just different. Better than I expected, better than White Castle. I miss having a DVD player. I can't believe how my grades turned out, completely beyond all expectations, even logic, perhaps. And now I'm about to listen to the first new Rush album in five years. Over an hour of new Rush, songs I've never heard before. It'll probably be another five years before I find myself in the same situation again, and it's possible I'll be killed in that time. I've eaten. I'm as relaxed as I'm going to be. It's about halfway through the seventh song, so I've got more time. Trans stuff is going well still, but I find I'm getting annoyed by things more. I hate my eyebrows, I might have to get them waxed. I hate, hate that my ejaculate seems to be thickening- a sign of resistance to the estrogen? Other than that it's going as well as it's been. My breasts are growing, etc. Just little things, pissing me off. I haven't done a movie journal in a while; maybe after I finish Friday the 13th part 3-D and Perfect Strangers. Or Inside Man. Or maybe I'll be too self-conscious to watch a movie in my room again and too nervous to be around my flatmates that I'll do neither. Oh well. Still going, about three more left. I really hope this is a good album. I've come to love Vapor Trails. My expectations are high but I know that its true quality won't be revealed until about the 5th or 6th listen... at least. I'll probably listen to it a few times at work tomorrow, can't imagine I won't. Maybe throw a Deadpit in the mix. It's not finished... it's finished!

Dreeeeam Warrrrriors!

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 19:31:51 GMT

Don't wanna dream no more!

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors must be my favorite film of the, objectively, rather terrible series. So much wasted potential, though. All that time building up the kids with their powers and abilities, only to completely squandor all of that with such a lame ending. Maybe it can be remade some day, and they can all use teamwork to take down Freddy CounterStrike style. As long as they kept the song, which hasn't left my head in like four or five days.

Maybe tonight you'll be gooonnnnneeeee!

(A trans horror note: The ending of Sleepaway Camp? Legitimately creepy and disturbing, even to me, a transwoman)

Horror in the Abstract, Pt. 1

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 06:40:43 GMT

I've been putting a lot of thought into the mechanisms of the horror film lately. My Deadpit addiction has basically made it impossible to ignore the terrible state of the genre anymore. What's going on? Why are the horror films today all torture films and remakes? Why aren't they effective at all? Can the genre be saved through an artistic movement or rejuvenation, or will this shit just continue until people stop paying to see these worthless acts of cinematic monotony? No matter how bad the films might be, isn't it better than in the 90s when horror was basically dead? These are the questions I'm struggling with. The main one, though, is why do older great horror movies work, even today, and newer ones not so much? Is their a formal or narrative answer?

I can't claim to have really covered much ground in my research yet, but I have gotten some ideas of how terror can be communicated through film. Fear. The fears of the audience, represented on-screen (preferably in an abstract fashion) can be a vital component of the horror experience. I arrived at this point while watching Nosferatu for an essay. In Nosferatu, the horror is not derived necessarily for what Count Orlock is physically capable of, necessarily, but the fears of the audience that he is made to represent. I noticed three major motifs through the film: the monster as feminine, the monster as an immigrant/foreigner and the monster as darkness. All of these addressed concerns of the prospective audience, pre-existing fears, transposed into a fictional cinematic narrative.

Now, I think that the problem with American horror films today is that, through industry economics and the political climate, its near impossible to make a horror film in such a manner. It seems to me that horror has some relation to the state of the society; the more homogeneous the society is the more effective a horror film might be made for it. In the 1930s, during the great depression, Americans were more united than not against economic distress. This climate allowed the Universal monster films to be huge successes.

After WW2, political cultures diverged, and the horror film dissipated; at best it lived through sci-fi with its nuclear scare films- the monster as the atomic bomb or its after-effects. Then the 1960s and 1970s arrived, and horror as gore entered. This fundamentally upset the dynamics of the classic horror film. The terror need not be extracted, because it could be shown on-screen. Seems that the greatest fear present in these films is the fear of death or the fear of pain- realized on-screen without the obligation for subtext and metaphor.

Not to say all of these films are without, though. Certainly the films of Romero, Cronenberg, Polanski, Cohen, etc. address other fears. Fear of government, fear of consumerism, fear of powerlessness, fear of the body, fear of isolation etc. But do the majority of Carpenter's films do so? Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Friday the 13th? A Nightmare on Elm Street? If they do, I can't find it. The smaller films were able to exist as they were because of the independent system that was viable enough to sustain them.

Nowadays, it seems like such films aren't being made at all anymore. I think the cultural divide might be the answer. Most filmmakers probably tend to be liberal. They're probably not looking to either make a film whose views they wholly disagree with, or one that will turn away 50% of those that come to it. Outside of the mainstream or outside of the horror genre it does still happen occasionally, but then only from a liberal perspective. The problem there is that liberal's fears are not easily abstracted. Even something really good like Homecoming is basically just taking the situation and recording it.

I believe that conservative's fears are much more apt to sustain a classically designed horror film. It's much easier to speak to their prejudices and bigotries in an abstract manner that would be artistically revealing. A horror film could be made, I believe, that could subtextually cast the monster as the illegal immigrant, the monster as the non-Christian, the monster as the gay/lesbian/bi/trans person, the monster as the woman with agency. This horror film would be morally despicable but probably very effective with its target audience. Which is a fucking shame.

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this, just kind of throwing out whatever thoughts come to my head. I'm afraid that in today's climate it might take a wretched film such as this to revive horror. And open the doors for progressive rebuttals to redeem it.

Aftermath (Movie Journal: April 13th-22nd)

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 15:00:23 GMT

And the semester has drawn to a close! I've written my papers and taken my exams, now I can relax and watch all of the great dvds that have been sitting on my shelf unwatched for far, far too long. Speaking of DVDs...

Belated Movie Journal Time!

This one covers a longer period than usual, so it's possible I've forgotten one or two. Sorry.

Zombiez: The terrible reviews couldn't keep me away. Honestly, I don't regret watching it or buying it for $2.50. Great companion to Children of the Living Dead. The chicken and molotov cocktail scenes alone redeemed it in my eyes, the "zombies" being just icing on the cake. I've definitely seen worse, if Human Nature still counts as a movie.

Sleepy Hollow: I enjoyed it. I'm kind of hot/cold on Tim Burton, but this was a pretty well-constructed movie, complete with FLAMING PUMPKINS TO THE FACE! Sorry, but that was pretty fucking awesome. Oh, just riding on my hors- BAM! ENJOY THE FIRE AND THE PUMPKIN! ON YOUR FACE! Was surprised that it was essentially a slasher movie, with some decent writing behind it too (I guess mentally replacing the Horseman with Jason Voorhees artificially enhanced the experience for me). FLAMING PUMPKIN TO THE FACE!

La Passion de Jeanne d'Arc: And now for something completely different. Amazing, beautiful, power film. Really effective subversion of editing techniques and stylistic rules. I'll definitely need to revisit it in subsequent viewings as I'm sure that there are layers upon layers that I've failed to appreciate. Right up there with Sunrise and Pandora's Box in terms of my favorite silent films.

Knocked Up: Saw this at a free preview screening- just as well because when it hits theaters I'll probably be in no capacity to go see it. Another well crafted comedy from Apatow. Rogen and Rudd kick ass all over the place, and Katherine Heigl really relatable- even if biology would conspire to keep me from ever being in her situation. As a transperson I found myself in something of an odd place watching this film. The lines seem to be pretty clearly drawn as to what's for the guys and what's for the girls and who's side you should take and I found myself just kind of in the middle. I guess that's where a forever barren woman is in the context of a pregnancy movie. I look forward to seeing it again on DVD- hopefully without 20 unavoidable extra minutes of bullshit.

Z Channel: A Magnificent Obsession: Really interesting story. Knowing nothing about Jerry Harvey I was pretty shocked at the last minute reveal of the murder/suicide business. Kind of takes the piss out of praising him for showing movies on TV, though some movies they were. Watching it of course gave me a whole new list of movies I need to see somewhere down the road. I guess right after I finish watching the shitty direct-to-video shlock that I must to fulfill my mission of saving horror.

Nosferatu: Watched this for a paper. Kind of appalling xenophobic subtext made me happy as a writer but unhappy as a fan of the director and genre. Very odd film though. Among the highlights would have to be the hyena werewolf, goofy-looking Orlock on his horse, and the "vampire plant" lecture. The trick effects were a welcome surprise to the writer in me, and the lighting just picked up from where they left off. It was one of the more fast-paced silent features, the narrative had a steady motion to it- I found it far more watchable than Herzog's, which I'm now of course going to revisit after this episode of Greatest American Hero ends.

The Conversation (Coppola commentary): Coppola seems to turn in good commentaries. This is another. It's an engaging lesson. Too bad he didn't go with the one reading of the line. That would've been cool. Maybe they could've recorded it from different angles, getting a slightly different effect of the same reading, or something. I dunno.

2001 Maniacs: I had no desire to see this film at all, but Deadpit's praise led me to check it out and I'm glad I did. Weird fucking rednecks? Check. Robert England? Got it. Gore and dumbass horny teens? There. I think if the cover was different I might have seen it sooner. It did kind of manage a tone of genuine disturbance at some points, but was just a fun experience over all.

Red Riding Hood: Weird movie. Throughout there's this lounge guy singing about what's been going on, and really makes everything all the more surreal. The cover kind of hinted at the girl being cute, but she's such an obnoxious bitch it kind of takes the fun out of the movie. Could've used a whole lot more punishing random people and a lot less just her being an asshole to the grandmother.

Hot Fuzz: "You ever shoot your gun in the air and yell 'argh!!!'? Movie kicked ass, of course. Always great to see Pegg, Frost and Wright working together. Even though cop movies aren't really my thing I found myself in love with the movie all the same. Seemed like there was a bit of, perhaps even unintentional, giallo homage in it, which didn't hurt it at all by me. Another DVD I'm awaiting with bated breath.

I watched that many movies when I had 3 final papers to write and 2 exams to study for. And they say transsexuals are disordered!

Trepidation

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 05:46:20 GMT

In the midst of finals, and not feeling too positive about how things are going. If I had to make a statement, I'd say morale here's pretty low. There's going to be an attack on the Physics front tomorrow, and I'm not sure I'll be able to weather it intact. After that, I'm slammed by two waves of papers- one on top of the other. I'm afraid it may be quite a mess. Fortunately, intelligence reports that it will all be over- for better or worse- by Tuesday (though probably Monday, perhaps Wednesday if the doomsday scenario occurs and I need to take my optional final... intelligence is rarely accurate anyway, right Iraq?) I can't wait for this shit to finish, though, so I can get back to feeling girly and be able to organize my DVD collection without guilt.

Phantasm > you, me, etc. (Movie Journal April 6th-12th)

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 18:23:53 GMT

I just wanted to say that Phantasm's a really, really great movie. I haven't seen it in years, but I know that, and just wanted to state it, for posterity. For example, Phantasm is at least nominally superior to the movies I did see last week...

Friday the 13th - Betsy Palmer and Tom Savini effects almost made this bearable, in addition to Manfredini's score. Still, mostly boring and useless.

Undead - Uneven, quirky zombie/alien film. Tries a little too hard in spots, but I liked it, at least more than most critics seem to. I personally found a lot of it funny, the fish/alien stuff. Lead heroine was pretty cool, and I liked her four-shotgun setup at the end.

Friday the 13th Part 2 - While there's a fair amount of boring and useless still in this one, Jason's presence ups the ante significantly. Seeing the hooded maniac-in-training fumble around was a hell of a lot more amusing than anything in the first one. Special nod to the opening.

Overnight - I was delighted to see this at Hollywood Video for $2.50. Not too many surprises in it really. It promises Troy Duffy being an asshole and pretty much delivers Troy Duffy being an asshole. Entertaining and thought-provoking nonetheless, not to mention somewhat frightening from the perspective of a prospective filmmaker.

Masters of Horror: Deer Woman - Wow. I can't believe John Landis made something this decent/entertaining in this age, given the Morrow curse. It wasn't American Werewolf good but it held my attention and earned another positive mark for the Masters of Horror series. Kind of loses it in the end though, wish it had been made as an actual film- with higher production values and more attention to details.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan - Am I a bad person for enjoying this more than the first one? It had kind of a Nightmare on Elm Street 5-vibe going on, but I was tired and it was late enough that I was entertained. Kane Hodder was a pretty effective Jason, and the cast of victims was colorful enough that I can't hate it like most others.

Human Nature - Alright this was a piece of shit. Even for a DV DTV 'film', there's really no excusing such shoddy sound production. The plot wasn't really the problem. The acting was shitty for the most part but the guy seemed genuinely creepy. Kind of anticlimactic that he killed the spirited sex-worker victim, and the ending made little sense in the context of the whole movie. That's way too many words than this POS deserves, basically a shitty wannabe torture movie.

Zombie Honeymoon - I don't really know what to say about this. The mix of zombie movie with romantic elements was a good idea, but I don't think it was quite pulled off perfectly. It didn't really make sense why she was so attached to him despite the decay and eating people. At least it wasn't a remake or a torture movie.

Rebecca - Hitchcock greatness. Didn't really pull me in, as I kind of watched it in the background. Need to revisit some day in the future. The end was great though, a part that I actually did see most of.

Four Horseman of the Apocalypse - It was pretty tough for me to get through this one, despite the presence of Alan Hale- father of the skipper. It was great for what it was, and what it introduced via Valentino, just doesn't really hold up today. Viewed in context it does hold some interest, though.

The Feather Gatherers - I find that I cannot get into these gypsy movies at all. They all seem too focused on money and sex. If these are stereotypes of Roma culture that need to be dispelled then why can't they frame a narrative outside of them? I guess that's a little harsh, as again in the context of when/how the film was made it's a fairly significant and unprecedented representation of the culture. Could've used some telekinesis though.

Candy Stripers - I guess this is kind of what I'm looking for with the DTV movies. Some original ideas, a sense of fun, even if the effects aren't great or the plot's not perfectly structured. I still have to watch the last few minutes. Interesting how the sexuality is presented from a predominantly female filmmaking team.

While some of those movies ranged from good to great, none of them were quite as good as Phantasm!

Addendum: A few hours after this post I decided that enough was enough and it was time own some Phantasm goodness. I decided to forego the recent AB US releases of I and III, which I hear are excellent, for the UK boxset from 2005 Mostly because I wanted the whole series and the 5th disc of supplements and, while the US transfers for I and III are a little better I think I'll be plenty happy with the UK transfers. First I ordered the 'sphere' variation of the set from Amazon UK. They have a pretty great price for it, about $36 delivered to the US. But then I cancelled that order when I saw the Digipak set on Dvd.co.uk or something for about $22. The sphere looked really cool and all, but the content was the same and I need $14 more than I need a plastic sphere to house my Phantasmy goodness. Either way, though, Phantasm kicks ass and it's worth a hell of a lot more.

Movie Journal: March 30th-April 5th

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 05:48:55 GMT

I've decided I've got this space here and I only use it to bitch about trans stuff. I watch so many movies, and I'm afraid that they pass through to be forgotten forever. I'm going to attempt to briefly profile the movies I see every week and list my thoughts/reactions. I'd like to say the entries would shrink after the semester, when I'm not seeing 3+ movies every week for classes, but they probably won't, if they exist at all.

Mar. 30th - Apr. 5th
Wonder Boys- I put this off for a few months. Fun movie. Good work from Robert Downey Jr., as always. Tobey Maguire and, surprisingly, Michael Douglas give pretty good performances too. Fairly tasteful portrayal of a crossdresser and gay-friendly.

The Hills Have Eyes- An alright movie, I suppose. Less disturbing than Last House on the Left, which is to say I made it through. Berryman's the heart of it really. I wasn't honestly watching it that closely, I'd seen it before in 8th grade. It was striking how much less effective it was on the relatively pristine DVD vs the horrible VHS I saw back then.

Masters of Horror: Incident on and off a Mountain Road- One of the better MoHs, Angus Scrimm kicking ass. The relationship between the woman and her survivalist nut husband disturbed me more than anything, especially when he assaulted her. After that I can't blame her for killing him, or even for doing in poor Mr. Scrimm. Some good scares, good work from Coscarelli.

Masters of Horror: Chocolate- Better than I expected coming from Mick Garris. Obviously a transwoman would take more from a movie about a man feeling the sensations of a woman than a general audience member. Not really all that horrific, but I don't regret having watched it.

The Confessor- Christian Slater, 'nuff said. In this one he's a priest, in a very boring plot that fit perfectly with the rest of the DTV aesthetic. The gay stuff was handled kind of humorously, but it really wasn't anything other than mediocre. Which definitely goes hand in hand with Slater, the king of mediocrity himself.

Hiroshima Mon Amour- The 'art' film for classical film theory. Pretty heavy stuff. The tension between the leads was pretty hot. That said the tragedy of Hiroshima, and of the woman's past in Never, cooled that off pretty quick. I'm glad to have seen it, I suppose. Probably one to revisit when I've added a few years.

Heart 'o the Hills- Mary Pickford epic. You know it's some crazy shit when the klan comes around in the 2nd act. Good display of its star, I suppose. She definitely gets to do lots of stuff. There was this visual motif- worms- that I'm still not quite sure what they were trying to do with. Maybe something about country roots or something.

The Temptress- Garbo's in this one, and it's a pretty fantastic role for her. The tone of the film is pretty difficult to ascertain. For the most part, the narrative seems to frame her as being the villain, of leading good men to their doom. That was sentiment I got. But she's never shown to be doing anything particularly devious- outside of flirting with guys and rabidly egging on a vicious whip duel for her honor. I guess the evils of female sexuality, in a sense. But then it turns around and shows her loving nurturing side, like in the scene with her husband, with her pleading for the guy's love, or with her nurturing the baby. Then the movie goes to batshit land with the ending: she ends up this whacked out alcoholic who hallucinates that a homeless man is Jesus. I don't know what to say.

Time of the Gypsies- Telekinetic gypsies. What more could you want? Pretty brutal portrayal of the patriarchy, madonna/whore stuff in this. But who can focus on feminism when there are telekinetic gypsies afoot?

Home Room- I bought this because I thought it was a horror movie. Post-Columbine drama. Interesting characters. Some sloppy filmmaking. You do get to know the girls pretty well, though, and I don't regret buying it. The horror movie I had in my head was a lot more awesome though, I must say that.

Those are the movies I watched in the past week.

Crossdressing = newsworthy?

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 02:09:41 GMT

People get arrested for driving drunk all the damn time. Unless the person is already notable or the circumstances are particularly extreme you never hear about it. I guess crossdressing is considered extreme, and therefore the story of Steven S Cole is tearing through the internets. There's no excuse to drive drunk, and it's good that he was prevented from doing so. However, all this really does is just bring more negative attention to trans people, and it pisses me off. Another excuse for lobbyists to shoot down protections for trans folk regarding gender identity and expression.

FTM divorce/alimony news story

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 04:11:58 GMT

The uneven news coverage can sometimes make it seem like transphobia is only targeted at transwomen, but, of course, it affects all of us. Now I get to read blog posts filled with the same hateful vitriol, but with the (disrespectful) pronouns reversed. By the way, at what point during transition does a person stop existing? Some say that the person he married no longer exists, because of a name change and a gender transition. I've heard some rumblings about this with reference to myself and to other trans people before... but what do they mean? Is someone not telling me something? Is there going to be some brief instant where I disappear? Like an asymptote in the graph of existence? Sounds like nonsense to me. I think, hope, I'll be 'round until my last breath. The court ruling might seem positive but its the most transphobic part- he gets alimony but only because they don't recognize the transition. How the fuck long is that shit going to be thrown at us? Surely we can do something about the basest of recognition here.

Lethargy

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 21:31:04 GMT

I'm tasked to write an essay that I'm not quite sure why I'm resistant to writing. It seems simple enough; like something I'd be able to engage with on a natural level. In my experiences, it seems that there are those essays that come naturally, that allow for expressive engagement with interesting ideas and are relatively easy/comfortable to write, and then there are those essays that feel very forced and unnatural, the ones that are practically bled onto the page with little stimulation and great frustration. The first paper for this class was definitely of the latter persuasion. I took the class assuming it would survey the history/entity of Eastern European cinema, not a sociological class focusing on the Holocaust, gender oppression, and warfare with random films used to demonstrate the history/reaction to these issues. So, while it's an interesting class (and is taught skillfully and passionately), its not the class I expected and not exactly one that comes naturally. Especially that Holocaust paper. Bleh.

The gender paper should be different though. I'm not 'out' as trans in the class, so I'll basically be forced to 'censor' my thoughts in some way, but I certainly have a much greater personal interest and stake in gender issues. The films weren't as awkwardly chosen as with the Holocaust either. I got to see Daisies! But still, I sit here and feel like writing this paper would be like pulling teeth. It should be easy though. Patriarchy this, male privilege that, Madonna/whore, communism, gender norms. This stuff affects my life now, as a trans woman I will face the oppression that woman recieve, and I will recognize that advantages that a male appearance have bestowed upon me. I should be excited, finally an opportunity to engage my newly developing feminism. Not exactly on the level which I'd prefer, but better than nothing. While I'm not allowing myself to relate my trans identity, my trans experiences and the ideas they've inspired are all fair game. Couple that with my film major-ness and I should be able to write a pretty damn awesome paper (at least to me, I refuse to parrot and am somewhat defiantly individualistic so it probably won't get better than a B-).

Checking my privilege

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 20:51:24 GMT

Looking back upon the entry I wrote yesterday, I'm kind of ashamed of myself. What happened to Nemecek and Stanton was wrong, and terrifying, but such histrionics were not warranted. The fact that such a thing can happen is horrible, but this type of thing has been happening since there's been trans people and now it's at least starting to be noticed. The majority of people commenting on Stanton's dismissal are disgusted by the bigotry of the Largo commissioners, not attacking Stanton herself. While hatred for trans people seems to be publicly bubbling to the surface (these firings, Kimmel, the New York Post), in the past it was all quietly accepted and unquestioned. While that was the atmosphere in Largo, in the greater communities of open discourse the tone is infinitely more compassionate and understanding. If this shit keeps happening so often and so publicly then the society is going to become more aware and (hopefully) more knowledgeable of trans issues. We could be on the brink of acceptance, and things are certainly better today than they were ten, twenty, thirty, and forty years ago.

Reading the entry, I seem to be absolving myself of privilege, of advantage. I'm white. I can't begin to fully realize the advantages that has bestowed upon me, and as a white trans person I have a multitude of advantages over a trans person of color. I was born male. I'll have received male privilege, in some capacity, for more-or-less 21 years I suppose (if you measure from birth to presenting as female); sooner depending upon the effectiveness of the hormones, the impact of my jaw realignment/cleft reconstructive surgery, and my ability to grow hair. I was also raised by a woman (my father died when I was 7) and not in the most sociably male respect (I've never had to really feign being masculine as a cleft palate, obesity, and gender dysphoria in my teenage years left me exempt from most social expectations and outcast from social circles). Still, others have seen a male and while I never explicitly confirmed their appraisals I didn't deny them either. I suppose it's this male privilege that allowed me to breeze my way into a $7/hr all-shifts job at White Castle where I was one of two white male employees.

Though my mother supported the family by herself we were far from squalor. When I write about destitution it's more of a future-tense possibility. As a film student, I never had high hopes for finding decent work after college, but as a potentially visibly gender variant film degree holder I really have no idea what I'll be doing after school. But things could be worse. My mom has recently lost her job, but she did save enough money to help me get through school, so I have a definite education privilege, even if I might be squandering it. Still, to speak of myself as homeless, jobless, and destitute in the present tense when it's only a possible worst-case-scenario in the future is presumptuous. To do so devalues those trans people who are living that life right now.

So, yeah, things have the potential to be shitty in the future. Still, I'm a lot better off than a lot of others and I can't ignore that either.

Further reflections....

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 03:16:46 GMT

I'm still kind of shocked by the Stanton and Nemecek firings. More for the symbolic significance than anything else. They're both well-off; the eventual loss of income will not affect them until long after they've both completely transitioned and (hopefully) moved on. Still, these should be the 'lucky' ones, right? They're the ones with the stockpiles of male privilege, no? I mean, when one says "the entire trans community isn't marginalized", it's people like these established, professional, middle-aged and white mtfs that come to mind. Yet they aren't immune. And if they're not immune people like me, young trans people teetering on the brink of destitution and brutal death, might as well already be infected.
Sure, if we succeed we'll probably be better off in the long run. I will never know how much it hurt for Mrs. Stanton or Mrs. Nemecek to spend those thirty plus years in deep repression and denial (especially in heavily intolerant, ignorant, 'religious communities'). I know how much a fraction of their time spent in that hell hurt me, and can't imagine I would've survived it into my forties without killing myself or transitioning. But what is the price of passing privilege? Not knowing how I'll be able to support myself through transition? Not knowing if I'll be able to amass the money needed to undergo SRS while keeping myself fed and sheltered?
As I wrote, though, to me it's the symbolic importance of these firings that is devastating. There truly is no protection for us under the laws of this country. It's a hard lesson, yet it's one learned time and time again. It was a lesson learned at Stonewall, a trans-incited incident that led to great strides for the gay community and the exception of trans people from those victories. It was a lesson learned from the credence given to theorists like Raymond, Blanchard and Bailey, that transphobia is not exempt from academic or learned circles. It was a lesson learned solemnly in the deaths of Tyra Hunter, Brandon Teena, Robert Eads, Gwen Aroujo and the countless other vicims of bigotry and indifference in our community. It's a lesson learned everyday by the homeless and hopeless trans people at the brink of survival.
But this, this blatant mockery of justice presented as a court proceeding... this utter denial of our humanity... this purely symbolic attack against our very persons, I guess I just expected more of human beings. As I watched in disbelief I looked in terror at the faces of my oppressors. That they didn't even drudge up mundane bullshit to excuse their bigotry, that they boldly and proudly dismissed Stanton and Nemecek purely because of their own prejudices... it's like we really are humans on the planet of the apes. Tolerated as slaves or specimens, until we try to assert our worth, at which point we must be destroyed by 'keepers of the faith'(in whatever form they may come).
"Quiet and conscious, calm in their eyes, confident their ways are best" - Neil Peart

Justice?

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 02:43:49 GMT

I just watched a trans woman lose her job- live. A post held for 14 years, gone, simply for transitiong- the same crime I'm committing this very moment.

Justice.

Someone to Watch Over Me

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 20:55:22 GMT

I was pleasantly surprised when I finally got around to watching Ridley Scott's Someone to Watch Over Me today. I love Blade Runner, if it's not my favorite film it's in my top 5. Alien is pretty amazing, so is The Duellists (which I'm slowly starting to appreciate more with time). Legend is not terrible, but the rest of Scott's work simply doesn't jive with me. I can not believe that the director of Kingdom of Heaven, Black Rain, Thelma and Louise is the same man who crafted the masterpiece of humanity and its inhuman nature that is Blade Runner. Sure the films look slick, but they're empty, completely lacking in the subtle grace that allowed for a character such as Roy Batty (Gladiator is maddeningly simple). While I can't say that Someone to Watch Over Me is anything on the level of "Old Ridley", it sure does look good. I expected absolutely nothing from the film, a Gamestop 3 for $8 purchase that I picked up more-or-less without care. While the characterizations were as void as anything, the look of the film was fantastic. I loved the noir-ish atmosphere of the apartment, the homes, the ballrooms, the streets, the subway. It definitely recalled Blade Runner visually (and aurally when he incorporated Vangelis' beautiful Memories of Green). The romance wasn't amazing, but was enough to draw me in past the visuals and my attention was held throughout the entire film- something I can't say for any other post-Legend Ridley Scott film I've seen. Tom Berenger, Mimi Rogers and Lorraine Bracco all turned in good performances, despite the widely known struggles between Scott and his talent. All in all a pleasant surprise. Not one I'll probably watch again any time in the future, but definitely miles ahead of what I expected.

Superman: The Movies

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 03:21:42 GMT

Finding myself with nothing especially productive to do today, I decided to watch all of the Superman films (I'm actually still in the process as I've had to halt Superman Returns to watch 24). The Superman films, indescribably, have some special place in my heart. None of them are particular examples of great filmmaking (though there are moments of greatness in Superman: The Movie and Superman Returns). I'm not a huge Superman fan in general. None of the other branches of the property (the comic books, the theatrical shorts/serials, the George Reeves television show, Lois & Clark/Smallville, the video games, the cartoons) really hold any interest for me. That said, I am always in the mood for the Superman films.
A lot of it is in the presentation. The first film, especially, is shamelessly bold in its ambition to be a BIG MOVIE. The stunt casting of Hamilton and Brando, the bombastic music, the utter seriousness given to so much of it. It has such a sense of importance about itself that I can't help but admire its confidence. Richard Donner is no auteur, but the mood surrounding the production was so hack-ish, thanks to those wacky and lovable Salkinds, that he made himself into some sort of champion for artistic integrity. What emerged was, to me, one of the most fascinating case studies of the American film industry. The film is as unabashed in its commercial indulgences as it is in its emotional sincerity and respect for what could be a fairly ridiculous character. I've never watched Superman: The Movie without a smile on my face.
The pitfalls so miraculously avoided by the anomaly that was the first film pretty much sink all of its sequels to varying degrees. The truth is that as much as I love the fuck out of Superman II it never could've been the masterpiece some claim it might've been (had the Salkind/Donner/Lester business that I'm not going to go over not occurred). Not to say it's not great, but this is no Day of the Dead situation. The original's spirit is still more-or-less intact, though definitely tarnished. Gotta love the stuff with Zod and Ursa.
Superman III is where it falls apart. I hate the film. Hate, hate, hate the film. Its not even lovably fucked up, it's just fucking miserable. As X-Men 3 is the film for people who hate the X-Men, it is a film for people who hate Superman. Richard Pryor was an amazingly talented comic, but he is so wasted here that you have to imagine if the price of the coke needed for all those involved to allow his part in the film to happen exceeds the budget of the film. The fucking tragedy is that buried beneath the tired slapstick routines and boring Robert Vaughn shit is a pretty good idea for a Superman movie. The Superman-gone-evil subplot, while horribly managed, would have made for a reasonably compelling Superman film. I suppose I should credit Annette O'Toole and especially Christopher Reeve for whatever good is to be mined from this shipwreck. She sure was a sweet Lana Lane, and the Smallville stuff was charming (I guess if I've anything to blame on estrogen so far it's that my hatred for Superman III seems to have been tempered somewhat).
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. This one's pretty much pure shit, but I can't hate it, because at least its earnest. Its kind of like a six-year-old's drawing, the whole scenario is so cute that I can't help but like it. Cannon sure as hell ain't Warner Bros, and that they even managed to get the colors on the suit right is something they should be commended for. How they got Hackman back for this one I'll never figure out (though it probably had something to do with currency). Still, for its incomprehensible narrative, terrible special effects that aren't even attempting to be convincing and people breathing and surviving in space unassisted/unprotected, the movie's got an incredible surplus of heart. Also the Mariel Hemingway/Superman/Lois Lane love triangle is pretty fun to watch.
Superman Returns... I'm an apologist. I love this movie. I love the over-the-top hyper-religous elements. I love the empty but pretty 'romantic' scenes. I love Luthor's plan How others can belittle the creation of a Superman-proof Kryptonite continent with the potential to replace every landmass on the world and provide Luthor with unquestioned gloval dominance as a simple real estate scheme beats the hell out of me. People complain of a lack of spectacle, but I see spectacle all over the damn place. It's definitely cinema-of-attractions: from the airplane-shuttle rescue, to the 40 minute climactic action scene, to the spectacle of Superman floating above the stars listening to the world. Maybe audiences weren't up for it, definitely doesn't seem shaped by test screening reports.
So I guess, by me, Superman movies are 4 for 5. It's been some time before I last, attentively, watched the earlier films, and the first two definitely held some greater meaning. The dialogue between Jor-El and Lara hit pretty close to home.
Jor-El: He will look like one of them.
Lara: But he won't [i]be[/i] one of them.
Jor-El: No. His dense molecular structure will make him strong.
Lara: He'll be odd. Different.
Jor-El: He'll be fast. Virtually invulnerable.
Lara: Isolated. Alone.
Thinking about it more, Superman's situation isn't entirely removed from a trans experience. He grew up feeling, knowing, that he was different, yet it was not visible from the outside (if he restrained his behavior). He had to adopt a false persona, and only expressed himself openly under much distress. His double life as Superman and Clark Kent, both socially constructed guises, forces him to face many of the same struggles as 'stealth' trans people. In Superman II he 'purges' his super powers, as many trans people attempt to 'purge' their trans feelings when they are deep in denial and repression (I've been there before). But he inevitably returns to his powers, as trans people are never able to fully abandon their true selves. Superman Returns adds an interesting dimension to this. It shows the emotional toll that living these fake lives has on his psyche (this is perhaps why I find the film to connect with me so much). That he is Kal-El, neither truly Clark Kent or Superman, is something that probably doesn't come across to most audiences.
Enough trans stuff. At the end of the day, I believe a man can fly, and I believe a flying man can hurt.

Streets of Rage / Estradiol

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 19:00:47 GMT

One of the things I had to come to terms with before deciding to transition was the likelihood of being attacked on the street. I've been mulling over this for months, in various capacities. I've wondered if I should carry a weapon or not, and have considered how I would respond to different scenarios of harassment/violence. Looking back, from a larger perspective, it seems that my preconceptions about these attacks are drawn from video games such as Streets of Rage:

I'd say Final Fight, but my visions are a little shadier than that, so it's Streets of Rage. I realized this mostly through observing my surroundings. My city isn't all that scary. I've never seen anyone attacked, and have only read about a trans person being assaulted once, some 4-5 years ago, and it wasn't even fatal (a rarity for certain). Still, my conscious seems assured that, the moment I appear gender variant or present 'female', this seemingly pleasant and safe city will become the mirror of a 16-bit beat-em-up. A world where a simple trip to the store will be a matter of life and death; where I'll be confronted by no less than 5 thugs each way, with random weapons appearing and disappearing. Looking at it from a distance it seems rather absurd. My strategy with transition so far has been always to expect the worst with everything. I accept that I may be beaten to death, but I think my mind has somewhat exaggerated the degree to which I'll have to fight for my life. I blame Sega.

I started HRT Wednesday, which gave Valentine's Day an unprecedented significance I suppose. I'd love to say I'm self-medicated like all of the cool kids, but, alas, I'm doing it through an endocrinologist. He placed me on a fairly conservative regimen: 2mg of estradiol, no spiro. I'm not too bothered, though. He said he'll increase it in three months, and I'd rather not develop much while I'm living in a residence hall anyway. Seems like in the long term there's really not much to be gained by rushing it at this stage as long as it gets started.

Hello

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 02:46:43 GMT

I've looked down on livejournals for years, yet here I am writing in one. I guess I want to air some bullshit semi-publicly now and then, or something.

So, first off, I wanted the name kidgloves, in tribute to the great underrated Rush song. I settled for 'kidglov3s'. Oh well, an unfortunate compromise.

My interests are pretty limited, and if I ever use this thing the posts will assuredly be boring as hell. I love film, that's probably going to be a major focus (film student). I have a scattered and eccentric taste in music; it probably won't come up as often.

I'm also a transwoman (early 20s), in transition. That's mostly what this is all about, I suppose, a forum to bitch/complain about things like hair removal, HRT, medical expenses and internet transphobia. I probably would've started a blog or something, but then I'd actually be in danger of someone reading my posts.

So, yeah.