After much hype and controversy I unexpectedly stumbled onto an impromptu screening of Catherine Crouch's The Gendercator tonight. The film's a disjointed, shitty mess. I was honestly more affronted as a student of film than as a transgender woman. The threadbare narrative was very unfocused. If she truly wanted to get her message of trans-invalidity to a viewer unfamiliar with the history of the politics at work she needed to flesh out her presented concepts significantly. Hate film doesn't have to be horrible film. Film study has taught me that the most unredeemable ideology can be attributed to great cinema, like Griffifth's Birth of a Nation, Riefenstahl's Triumph of the Will and Jacopetti/Prosperi's Africa Addio.

It seems almost pointless to attack the film's politics when the work is so ridiculous that it cannot support the weight of any argument. The plot is woefully undeveloped; she doesn't explain how binary-identified transsexual individuals came to be powerful and respected pillars of future society, just states so much as fact. Stereotypes abound, the simplistic and fascistic gender concepts projected onto the "trannies" seem to be rooted in the most conservative and restrictive gender theories of the past century.

The argument can be made that she is simply referencing a long-standing ideology implicitly understood by her intended audience, and that more thorough explorations are not necessary. That may very well be the case, as its essentially an experimental film that will probably not be seen outside of queer fringe circles. However, it is presented as a standalone work and therefore its ideas must be self-sustaining and well supported within the film. The superficial approach taken severely undercuts any true political ambition therein. It is a testament to our community's marginalization that such a stunted and meager work can be threatening.

I'm surprised that I've yet to read a criticism of the film from an analytical perspective. Perhaps others consider the tools of cinematic analysis to be steeped in patriarchal notions, and decided that such an approach is inapplicable to a 'radical' work such as this (though that's certainly not prevented the analysis of any film to my knowledge). The focus has largely been on the film's message, with no major attention given to the manner in which that message is relayed. It's fucked up to show this film under an inclusive LGBT banner, but as a political tool its far too reliant on a certain assumed bigotry to be very harmful. The weakness of her ideology, and the contrived and compromised formal application of such, leaves the work a toothless, hateful mess of a film.

Tags: film, politics, trans
Current Mood: contemplative

Switch Killer (aka Trans-American Killer):

The 80s slasher meets transgender again, except it's been displaced by 20 years. Of course, that's not to say it has a modern, realistic, or sympathetic view of trans people. An abusive boyfriend's furious when his girlfriend leaves him for a woman. And so he... transitions? Pretty much wholly problematic in every sense of the word; it is thoroughly and horribly offensive and shitty to women, sex workers, and transgender people.

The killer does not seem to transition for any personal or internal reasons, yet I get the impression that she reflects the filmmaker's perceptions of trans women (and their understanding of the audience's perceptions). Her body is shown as a monstrous mutation; completed by scarred, misshapen, lopsided and obviously 'false' breasts. Her genital status is inconsistent; in one scene she has sex with a guy for "the first time like this" (presumably post SRS) and in the following scene is shown to pee standing up. Maybe that's an attempt to shit on intersex folk too.

The film goes out of its way to depict trans femininity as false and trans identities as incoherent. It's not just trans women, though. It is openly spiteful towards all women on-screen, especially the sex workers and lesbians that populate most of its cast. The protagonist is shown to discover that she's not really a lesbian; that her deviated sexuality was simply a twisted up misunderstanding, such as the killer's (presumed) trans gender. Her girlfriend is shown to be a heartless and thoughtless bitch, and is seemingly depicted as an 'everylesbian'.

What's surprising to me is that while I hated it as a human being and especially as a transsexual woman, I didn't hate it so much as a horror fan. It was well paced and had frequent enough shock scenes. Anyone could tell that it was made on the cheap with the most limited resources, yet it still worked overall (and the faux Casablanca that is shown through out is probably the highlight of the film). All of that said, though, it is sad that we're still culturally marginalized enough that these filmmakers would depict a trans woman in such a manner.

I find myself constantly in a state of flux as far as vicarious identification is concerned... as a horror fan and as a transsexual woman. I guess the emotional part of it didn't carry as much weight before. I liked horror movies because they were often highly stylized, had a 'ride' aspect to them, could carry social/political subtexts, had cool scores and were just fun to watch. Horror films also seem to be the best marketed, and have the most iconic posters/art/characters/trailers of any genre There is perhaps a certain nostalgia involved as well, as I tend to gravitate toward horror from the 60s-80s.

Now it seems I'm trying to engage more with the story rather than focusing entirely on the formal aspects of the works, and in many of these horror movies, especially slashers, there never seems to be all that much there. I'm kind of bewildered why the transgender women are always killers in slasher films, because it certainly doesn't seem to play out that way at all in reality. Maybe its because (as I've noted before) we're so easily 'other'ed. Perhaps the conventional wisdom is that an audience just can't identify with one of those trannies. Maybe the reality of queer victimhood would detract from the fantasy.

Perhaps it is even impossible to ask a mainstream horror audience to accept, let alone identify with, queer characters (other than as incomprehensible villains and monsters). This is not unique to horror either, but it seems more pronounced there. My perception of horror audiences, from seeing the films, listening to Deadpit, visiting forums, etc. is that they are very nervous with anything that might challenge standard assumptions regarding gender and sexuality. While I don't think that being trans will hurt me so much with eventually trying to find work in the film industry (at least I only expect my prospects to be moderately more dim than they would be if I hadn't transitioned), I do wonder how a horror audience would react to work done by a transsexual woman. I'd like to think that the quality of the work would supersede any personal aspects of the filmmaker, I can't help but feel that it would be a critical factor. Which sucks because I might come up with some kickass additions to horror some day.

Tags: horror, trans
Current Mood: hungry

I've decided to reflect while Snakes and Arrows is transferring from CD to 'lossless' Atrac. Things seem to be going alright. I find myself kind of trepidatious around my housemates, wary and afraid to impose. I'm starting to wonder if they know I'm trans, and if not when/how I should tell them. The job is probably better than I expected. Half of it is the same shit I've been doing for almost two years, the other half is not more demanding just different. Better than I expected, better than White Castle. I miss having a DVD player. I can't believe how my grades turned out, completely beyond all expectations, even logic, perhaps. And now I'm about to listen to the first new Rush album in five years. Over an hour of new Rush, songs I've never heard before. It'll probably be another five years before I find myself in the same situation again, and it's possible I'll be killed in that time. I've eaten. I'm as relaxed as I'm going to be. It's about halfway through the seventh song, so I've got more time. Trans stuff is going well still, but I find I'm getting annoyed by things more. I hate my eyebrows, I might have to get them waxed. I hate, hate that my ejaculate seems to be thickening- a sign of resistance to the estrogen? Other than that it's going as well as it's been. My breasts are growing, etc. Just little things, pissing me off. I haven't done a movie journal in a while; maybe after I finish Friday the 13th part 3-D and Perfect Strangers. Or Inside Man. Or maybe I'll be too self-conscious to watch a movie in my room again and too nervous to be around my flatmates that I'll do neither. Oh well. Still going, about three more left. I really hope this is a good album. I've come to love Vapor Trails. My expectations are high but I know that its true quality won't be revealed until about the 5th or 6th listen... at least. I'll probably listen to it a few times at work tomorrow, can't imagine I won't. Maybe throw a Deadpit in the mix. It's not finished... it's finished!

Tags: trans
Current Mood: anxious

People get arrested for driving drunk all the damn time. Unless the person is already notable or the circumstances are particularly extreme you never hear about it. I guess crossdressing is considered extreme, and therefore the story of Steven S Cole is tearing through the internets. There's no excuse to drive drunk, and it's good that he was prevented from doing so. However, all this really does is just bring more negative attention to trans people, and it pisses me off. Another excuse for lobbyists to shoot down protections for trans folk regarding gender identity and expression.

Tags: trans
Current Mood: annoyed

The uneven news coverage can sometimes make it seem like transphobia is only targeted at transwomen, but, of course, it affects all of us. Now I get to read blog posts filled with the same hateful vitriol, but with the (disrespectful) pronouns reversed. By the way, at what point during transition does a person stop existing? Some say that the person he married no longer exists, because of a name change and a gender transition. I've heard some rumblings about this with reference to myself and to other trans people before... but what do they mean? Is someone not telling me something? Is there going to be some brief instant where I disappear? Like an asymptote in the graph of existence? Sounds like nonsense to me. I think, hope, I'll be 'round until my last breath. The court ruling might seem positive but its the most transphobic part- he gets alimony but only because they don't recognize the transition. How the fuck long is that shit going to be thrown at us? Surely we can do something about the basest of recognition here.

Tags: trans
Current Mood: annoyed

Looking back upon the entry I wrote yesterday, I'm kind of ashamed of myself. What happened to Nemecek and Stanton was wrong, and terrifying, but such histrionics were not warranted. The fact that such a thing can happen is horrible, but this type of thing has been happening since there's been trans people and now it's at least starting to be noticed. The majority of people commenting on Stanton's dismissal are disgusted by the bigotry of the Largo commissioners, not attacking Stanton herself. While hatred for trans people seems to be publicly bubbling to the surface (these firings, Kimmel, the New York Post), in the past it was all quietly accepted and unquestioned. While that was the atmosphere in Largo, in the greater communities of open discourse the tone is infinitely more compassionate and understanding. If this shit keeps happening so often and so publicly then the society is going to become more aware and (hopefully) more knowledgeable of trans issues. We could be on the brink of acceptance, and things are certainly better today than they were ten, twenty, thirty, and forty years ago.

Reading the entry, I seem to be absolving myself of privilege, of advantage. I'm white. I can't begin to fully realize the advantages that has bestowed upon me, and as a white trans person I have a multitude of advantages over a trans person of color. I was born male. I'll have received male privilege, in some capacity, for more-or-less 21 years I suppose (if you measure from birth to presenting as female); sooner depending upon the effectiveness of the hormones, the impact of my jaw realignment/cleft reconstructive surgery, and my ability to grow hair. I was also raised by a woman (my father died when I was 7) and not in the most sociably male respect (I've never had to really feign being masculine as a cleft palate, obesity, and gender dysphoria in my teenage years left me exempt from most social expectations and outcast from social circles). Still, others have seen a male and while I never explicitly confirmed their appraisals I didn't deny them either. I suppose it's this male privilege that allowed me to breeze my way into a $7/hr all-shifts job at White Castle where I was one of two white male employees.

Though my mother supported the family by herself we were far from squalor. When I write about destitution it's more of a future-tense possibility. As a film student, I never had high hopes for finding decent work after college, but as a potentially visibly gender variant film degree holder I really have no idea what I'll be doing after school. But things could be worse. My mom has recently lost her job, but she did save enough money to help me get through school, so I have a definite education privilege, even if I might be squandering it. Still, to speak of myself as homeless, jobless, and destitute in the present tense when it's only a possible worst-case-scenario in the future is presumptuous. To do so devalues those trans people who are living that life right now.

So, yeah, things have the potential to be shitty in the future. Still, I'm a lot better off than a lot of others and I can't ignore that either.

Tags: trans
Current Mood: contemplative

I'm still kind of shocked by the Stanton and Nemecek firings. More for the symbolic significance than anything else. They're both well-off; the eventual loss of income will not affect them until long after they've both completely transitioned and (hopefully) moved on. Still, these should be the 'lucky' ones, right? They're the ones with the stockpiles of male privilege, no? I mean, when one says "the entire trans community isn't marginalized", it's people like these established, professional, middle-aged and white mtfs that come to mind. Yet they aren't immune. And if they're not immune people like me, young trans people teetering on the brink of destitution and brutal death, might as well already be infected.
Sure, if we succeed we'll probably be better off in the long run. I will never know how much it hurt for Mrs. Stanton or Mrs. Nemecek to spend those thirty plus years in deep repression and denial (especially in heavily intolerant, ignorant, 'religious communities'). I know how much a fraction of their time spent in that hell hurt me, and can't imagine I would've survived it into my forties without killing myself or transitioning. But what is the price of passing privilege? Not knowing how I'll be able to support myself through transition? Not knowing if I'll be able to amass the money needed to undergo SRS while keeping myself fed and sheltered?
As I wrote, though, to me it's the symbolic importance of these firings that is devastating. There truly is no protection for us under the laws of this country. It's a hard lesson, yet it's one learned time and time again. It was a lesson learned at Stonewall, a trans-incited incident that led to great strides for the gay community and the exception of trans people from those victories. It was a lesson learned from the credence given to theorists like Raymond, Blanchard and Bailey, that transphobia is not exempt from academic or learned circles. It was a lesson learned solemnly in the deaths of Tyra Hunter, Brandon Teena, Robert Eads, Gwen Aroujo and the countless other vicims of bigotry and indifference in our community. It's a lesson learned everyday by the homeless and hopeless trans people at the brink of survival.
But this, this blatant mockery of justice presented as a court proceeding... this utter denial of our humanity... this purely symbolic attack against our very persons, I guess I just expected more of human beings. As I watched in disbelief I looked in terror at the faces of my oppressors. That they didn't even drudge up mundane bullshit to excuse their bigotry, that they boldly and proudly dismissed Stanton and Nemecek purely because of their own prejudices... it's like we really are humans on the planet of the apes. Tolerated as slaves or specimens, until we try to assert our worth, at which point we must be destroyed by 'keepers of the faith'(in whatever form they may come).
"Quiet and conscious, calm in their eyes, confident their ways are best" - Neil Peart

Tags: trans
Current Mood: pessimistic
Current Music: "Witch Hunt", Rush, Moving Pictures

I just watched a trans woman lose her job- live. A post held for 14 years, gone, simply for transitiong- the same crime I'm committing this very moment.

Justice.

Tags: trans
Current Mood: scared

Finding myself with nothing especially productive to do today, I decided to watch all of the Superman films (I'm actually still in the process as I've had to halt Superman Returns to watch 24). The Superman films, indescribably, have some special place in my heart. None of them are particular examples of great filmmaking (though there are moments of greatness in Superman: The Movie and Superman Returns). I'm not a huge Superman fan in general. None of the other branches of the property (the comic books, the theatrical shorts/serials, the George Reeves television show, Lois & Clark/Smallville, the video games, the cartoons) really hold any interest for me. That said, I am always in the mood for the Superman films.
A lot of it is in the presentation. The first film, especially, is shamelessly bold in its ambition to be a BIG MOVIE. The stunt casting of Hamilton and Brando, the bombastic music, the utter seriousness given to so much of it. It has such a sense of importance about itself that I can't help but admire its confidence. Richard Donner is no auteur, but the mood surrounding the production was so hack-ish, thanks to those wacky and lovable Salkinds, that he made himself into some sort of champion for artistic integrity. What emerged was, to me, one of the most fascinating case studies of the American film industry. The film is as unabashed in its commercial indulgences as it is in its emotional sincerity and respect for what could be a fairly ridiculous character. I've never watched Superman: The Movie without a smile on my face.
The pitfalls so miraculously avoided by the anomaly that was the first film pretty much sink all of its sequels to varying degrees. The truth is that as much as I love the fuck out of Superman II it never could've been the masterpiece some claim it might've been (had the Salkind/Donner/Lester business that I'm not going to go over not occurred). Not to say it's not great, but this is no Day of the Dead situation. The original's spirit is still more-or-less intact, though definitely tarnished. Gotta love the stuff with Zod and Ursa.
Superman III is where it falls apart. I hate the film. Hate, hate, hate the film. Its not even lovably fucked up, it's just fucking miserable. As X-Men 3 is the film for people who hate the X-Men, it is a film for people who hate Superman. Richard Pryor was an amazingly talented comic, but he is so wasted here that you have to imagine if the price of the coke needed for all those involved to allow his part in the film to happen exceeds the budget of the film. The fucking tragedy is that buried beneath the tired slapstick routines and boring Robert Vaughn shit is a pretty good idea for a Superman movie. The Superman-gone-evil subplot, while horribly managed, would have made for a reasonably compelling Superman film. I suppose I should credit Annette O'Toole and especially Christopher Reeve for whatever good is to be mined from this shipwreck. She sure was a sweet Lana Lane, and the Smallville stuff was charming (I guess if I've anything to blame on estrogen so far it's that my hatred for Superman III seems to have been tempered somewhat).
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. This one's pretty much pure shit, but I can't hate it, because at least its earnest. Its kind of like a six-year-old's drawing, the whole scenario is so cute that I can't help but like it. Cannon sure as hell ain't Warner Bros, and that they even managed to get the colors on the suit right is something they should be commended for. How they got Hackman back for this one I'll never figure out (though it probably had something to do with currency). Still, for its incomprehensible narrative, terrible special effects that aren't even attempting to be convincing and people breathing and surviving in space unassisted/unprotected, the movie's got an incredible surplus of heart. Also the Mariel Hemingway/Superman/Lois Lane love triangle is pretty fun to watch.
Superman Returns... I'm an apologist. I love this movie. I love the over-the-top hyper-religous elements. I love the empty but pretty 'romantic' scenes. I love Luthor's plan How others can belittle the creation of a Superman-proof Kryptonite continent with the potential to replace every landmass on the world and provide Luthor with unquestioned gloval dominance as a simple real estate scheme beats the hell out of me. People complain of a lack of spectacle, but I see spectacle all over the damn place. It's definitely cinema-of-attractions: from the airplane-shuttle rescue, to the 40 minute climactic action scene, to the spectacle of Superman floating above the stars listening to the world. Maybe audiences weren't up for it, definitely doesn't seem shaped by test screening reports.
So I guess, by me, Superman movies are 4 for 5. It's been some time before I last, attentively, watched the earlier films, and the first two definitely held some greater meaning. The dialogue between Jor-El and Lara hit pretty close to home.
Jor-El: He will look like one of them.
Lara: But he won't [i]be[/i] one of them.
Jor-El: No. His dense molecular structure will make him strong.
Lara: He'll be odd. Different.
Jor-El: He'll be fast. Virtually invulnerable.
Lara: Isolated. Alone.
Thinking about it more, Superman's situation isn't entirely removed from a trans experience. He grew up feeling, knowing, that he was different, yet it was not visible from the outside (if he restrained his behavior). He had to adopt a false persona, and only expressed himself openly under much distress. His double life as Superman and Clark Kent, both socially constructed guises, forces him to face many of the same struggles as 'stealth' trans people. In Superman II he 'purges' his super powers, as many trans people attempt to 'purge' their trans feelings when they are deep in denial and repression (I've been there before). But he inevitably returns to his powers, as trans people are never able to fully abandon their true selves. Superman Returns adds an interesting dimension to this. It shows the emotional toll that living these fake lives has on his psyche (this is perhaps why I find the film to connect with me so much). That he is Kal-El, neither truly Clark Kent or Superman, is something that probably doesn't come across to most audiences.
Enough trans stuff. At the end of the day, I believe a man can fly, and I believe a flying man can hurt.

Tags: movies, trans
Current Mood: calm

One of the things I had to come to terms with before deciding to transition was the likelihood of being attacked on the street. I've been mulling over this for months, in various capacities. I've wondered if I should carry a weapon or not, and have considered how I would respond to different scenarios of harassment/violence. Looking back, from a larger perspective, it seems that my preconceptions about these attacks are drawn from video games such as Streets of Rage:

I'd say Final Fight, but my visions are a little shadier than that, so it's Streets of Rage. I realized this mostly through observing my surroundings. My city isn't all that scary. I've never seen anyone attacked, and have only read about a trans person being assaulted once, some 4-5 years ago, and it wasn't even fatal (a rarity for certain). Still, my conscious seems assured that, the moment I appear gender variant or present 'female', this seemingly pleasant and safe city will become the mirror of a 16-bit beat-em-up. A world where a simple trip to the store will be a matter of life and death; where I'll be confronted by no less than 5 thugs each way, with random weapons appearing and disappearing. Looking at it from a distance it seems rather absurd. My strategy with transition so far has been always to expect the worst with everything. I accept that I may be beaten to death, but I think my mind has somewhat exaggerated the degree to which I'll have to fight for my life. I blame Sega.

I started HRT Wednesday, which gave Valentine's Day an unprecedented significance I suppose. I'd love to say I'm self-medicated like all of the cool kids, but, alas, I'm doing it through an endocrinologist. He placed me on a fairly conservative regimen: 2mg of estradiol, no spiro. I'm not too bothered, though. He said he'll increase it in three months, and I'd rather not develop much while I'm living in a residence hall anyway. Seems like in the long term there's really not much to be gained by rushing it at this stage as long as it gets started.

Tags: trans
Current Mood: lethargic